Chores and Keeping the Main Thing the main thing

Confession:  I am a recovering Perfectionist Mommy.  I started out as just a plain ol’ Perfectionist.  Then, God blessed me with children.

Being a Perfectionist Mommy meant that when my first son was a baby, then a toddler, then a preschooler, and then a kindergartener with a 2-year-old brother, I did all (A-L-L) the household work while they slept.  I cleaned up the playroom, did the dishes, folded the laundry and put it away, mopped the floors, and… oh yes, since I’m single, I also earned the family income ALL while the wee little darlings slept (and occasionally while they watched cartoons).

Why?  Because, I told myself, I’m a loving mom.  I want a neat and orderly home for my children.  Yah, right: “For my children.”  **cough, cough**

In reality, I did all this (and more) because I knew I could power through the work and have it all done properly while the little angels weren’t underfoot. (This is a classic control freak move by this Perfectionist Mommy.)

Aside from the fact that I was in complete denial that I was a Perfectionist Mommy, I was also… (wait for it)… EXHAUSTINGLY WRONG.

In due time, I came to realize an even more exhausting truth: if I do all the chores while my kids are sleeping (or doing school work or playing with friends), the message I am reinforcing in my own mind and the message I am sending to my children is that no one else can do the job. This kept me from delegating duties and ensured that I was overworked and underappreciated.

The sad, unspoken truth is more important – no one else will ever do as good of a job, or better, as I can do unless I train them.

That truth led me to commence shedding the perfectionist persona in favor of training my children. Training is a deliberate act to ensure ultimate proficiency in a particular skill.  In our home, training includes four phases: tutor, test, tweak, and transfer.

CONSIDER THE NOW I KNOW MY ABCs SONG

The Lord used a simple toddler tune as I was singing with my toddler one day to prompt me to start training my children young. After all, we sing this song to and with our children long before they know the meaning of the song. (TUTOR) Then we listen to them sing the song by themselves. (TEST) Periodically, we sing with them again as they stumble over certain segments. (TWEAK) Ultimately, the child sings the song from beginning to end successfully and we feel good, moving on to other songs and other areas of early education.  (TRANSFER)

Why do we teach our little ones this song before they can read and write? Because we know it lays a foundation on which to build when they are cognitively ready for higher levels of learning.

This example displays beautifully the pattern of Tutor, Test, Tweak, and Train.

FREQUENT MISTAKES

Over time, I came to realize that delegating selected chores should begin as soon as my child is able to walk. As he acquires new abilities such as following multi-step instructions, chore assignments can be increased to reflect his growing abilities.

One common mistake I, as a recovering Perfectionist Momma, made early on is that I expected to train my child once (maybe twice) and that he would do it exactly as trained.  (Shaking my head at myself as I type this.) Unfortunately, I was passing on to my son the perfectionist tendencies and expectations.

Girls helping with the yard work.

Boys dethatching the back yard.

I learned that perfection during the training phase is NOT the goal.

(I think I just heard some of you gasp!  That’s right, fellow perfectionist friends — perfection is NOT the goal!)

You see, I learned that the true goal when our children are young is to instill in them an appreciation for being needed and useful in the family, as well as to help them develop an appetite for a job well done, as they work diligently to serve their family and to serve others as unto the Lord.

Distributing treats at a local nursing home.

Setting these foundational goals is best accomplished by keeping the Main Thing of Training the main thing, which is grace and love, not perfection.

Another mistake I made was to skip the testing and tweaking phases. Skipping these two phases is a set-up for failure and discouragement.

Peter taking care of the chickens for our friends.

JT and babies (3 months old)

LET THE TRAINING BEGIN!

Let’s look at just one chore out of many** that includes all four phases of training.

A baby takes his first step. Oh what joy!  We applaud his accomplishment and take pictures of his newly emerging ability.  Once the excitement has settled down and the new toddler is capable of walking unassisted, let the training begin!

As soon as my baby becomes a toddler, I have her carry her own soiled diaper to the garbage.  At this stage, I am laying the foundation that her help is needed in our family and she has a job to do.

I give her the wrapped-up diaper and hold her hand as we walk together to the garbage.  I open the garbage and tell her to throw away the diaper. (TUTOR) After several occasions of this routine, I walk behind her to see if she knows where to go.  Then, after I’m sure she knows what to do with it, I stop opening the garbage and let her do that part herself.  There comes a time to further test her by giving her the diaper in her room and watching to see if she will execute the whole chore without my help. (TEST)

REFUSING TO WORK

Recently, one of my toddlers refused to carry her diaper to the garbage. (Yes, at 1 year old, this can appear cute, but we all know it won’t be cute at 7 years old if that attitude is allowed to flourish.)

Addressing a refusal to work is much easier now than when the child is older.  Upon refusal, the Training Truck has to be backed-up a bit in order to reinforce the entire process.  When my toddler refuses, I put the diaper between her hands and gently hold her hands in place. I affirm the process verbally (“Good job! We are going to throw the diaper away!”) and then walk with her, still holding her hands in place if I sense she wants to drop it.  I open the garbage and help her throw it away.  I verbally affirm her actions and give her a hug. (TWEAK)

Once she is doing this consistently and effectively with every diaper change, she becomes proficient at her chore and the duty is fully hers. (TRANSFER)

I still check up on my child’s proficiency to ensure there is follow-through from time to time, but the more this happens at early ages and stages, a sound foundation is being laid for each child’s role in the family.

I regret that, as a new mommy with firmly planted perfectionist tendencies, I bought into the notion that my young children couldn’t do the work “as good as I can” at such young ages.

When I finally did begin to require work from them it was a difficult hurdle because they weren’t proficient (obviously) and they felt defeated by their inaccuracy… so did I.  Not only that, but the learning curve was much longer due to their discouragement which resulted in more frustration for all of us. I had to back up the Training Truck on myself and learn to give them room for approximations of accuracy during the tutor, test, and tweak stages.

The good news is that I have since learned from my mistakes. My older children are gaining new skills with greater ease these days.  It is beautiful to see their proficiencies grow!

ANOTHER HARD LESSON LEARNED

Once my oldest child was successfully trained, I transferred that jurisdiction to him. (A thankful nod to the Duggars of 19 and Counting for this useful term.)

What a blessing when the cleanliness of my kitchen was fully transferred to my oldest child.  Whenever we host a dinner for friends, I can count on him to get the kitchen prepped for our guests.  I don’t even have to be involved.  Truth be told, he really does it better than I do it! With 5 younger children to focus on, this is a great blessing!

Of course, after all that work to train my oldest child, I found myself lapsing into complacency. I relied heavily on my oldest for doing what he does so well and forgot that I had to get busy training the next-oldest child in that same jurisdiction.

TRAIN THE YOUNGEST-CAPABLE CHILD

In the wake of glorious success, I had forgotten that the younger I start my children with chores, the shorter the training period.  That’s when I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy a beautiful kitchen for much longer if I wanted to be sure that each of my children gained the same skills.

I realized that I had to begin the process of training my next youngest-capable child, as well as transition my oldest-capable child to other, more complicated tasks.  This would prevent me from  simply piling every new duty upon my oldest.

Today, as soon as the younger ones are capable, the older ones move up to more complex duties and the younger children take over where they are able.  Since working out the kinks in our routines, I find this to be a great system!

ROTATE and CELEBRATE!

It works best for my family to assign jurisdictions for a year at a time. This gives not only my children the time to be fully trained, it also allows them to appreciate their autonomy in this area. This also gives me time to tutor, test, and tweak the training of my little ones.

When the year is complete (assuming proficiency has been achieved and the duty successfully transferred), it is time to rotate that jurisdiction to the youngest-capable child.

In our family, we make a celebration of changing jurisdictions and mark the occasion by having a special Jurisdiction Rotation Breakfast! We make a holiday-quality breakfast, use special dishes, and drink sparkling cider from special glasses.

Special Jurisdiction Rotation Breakfast

Eggs, Pancakes, and Sausage face — designed by my creative son

We have experienced many benefits by using this method.  One of the best blessings is that everyone in our family is more respectful of the demands of their former jurisdictions. Also, there tends to be more encouragement from older sibs for the younger ones who are starting out with a new duty.

GRACE AND LOVE

So if you ever come to my home and see something out of order, you can be sure that the youngest capable child is in training.  You can also be sure that this recovering Perfectionist Momma is practicing the fine of art of keeping the Main Thing the main thing… which is grace and love.

Seeds of Faith

” . . . rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a bondservant or is free . . .”
Ephesians 6:7-8

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”
Colossians 3:23-24

** For more kids’ chores ideas, go to http://kidsactivitiesblog.com/46550/chores-for-kids.

Copyright © 2014 Deborah Rice, PeaPodFamilyPress

Twice-gifted boots and more to the story.

When God calls us to serve Him by serving others, we sometimes, erroneously, imagine a beautiful outcome of our sacrificial acts. Maybe we imagine these outcomes because we are too heavily influenced by Disney’s storybook endings or Marvel’s comic book heroism. Whatever the reason, by designing our own notion of what the outcome should be from our service we set ourselves up for disappointment and even disillusionment.

Let’s be clear, serving others doesn’t come with a neat-and-tidy storybook ending.

Serving others in need isn’t pretty or glamorous. Serving others can leave you scarred. (See what a friend wrote about this over at My Sister’s Jar.)

Answering God’s call to serve others can be downright dangerous and can send heart-wrenching ripple effects through an entire family or community. (Read Pastor Saeed’s letter to his daughter.)

Serving God by investing our time, energy, and money (which all belong to our God anyway) requires that we relinquish the right to know the rest of the story. This fact can be a good thing because even if we do know the outcome, we might not approve.

My post last week entitled Compassionate Wisdom: Training my children to serve others details the account of how my 14-year-old son served someone by giving away his socks and waterproof hiking boots right off his feet to a young, homeless man who was in dire need.

Ones just like these with the heel notch for better grip

My son listened to God’s call to serve another and responded promptly.

Later that same day, Josiah and I processed what God had done. I cautioned him against assuming his gift to this stranger would result in good as the world defines it. For example, I explained, it was entirely possible that this young man might sell the boots for cash to buy drugs. I wanted my son to grasp the truth that our role is to obey God’s call and relinquish any rights to the outcome of our service.

Ah, but sometimes… sometimes… we get to see a glimpse of the good that comes and how sweet it is.

God did something special this week and graciously allowed His servant Josiah to know what happened after he sacrificed his own socks and boots.

This week, as we made our way to care for our chickens, we stopped to deliver six homemade meals to the homeless we had gotten to know on our route. We found Hector and (providentially) 5 other homeless folks with him under a shade tree.

Josiah and I got out of the van to walk over to the group, but I could barely keep up with him. His strides were unusually bigger and I knew he was eager to see if Nicholas still had on the hiking boots that once were his.

When we arrived at the group, the look on Josiah’s face displayed disappointment. Nicholas was not one of the 6 homeless under that tree, but his disappointment didn’t last long.

Earl, one of the men who was present last week when Josiah gave away his socks and boots, enthusiastically greeted Josiah and told my son that Nicholas wasn’t with them because he got a job at the car wash. Earl shared that Nicholas commented that he knew it was because he had good, solid, waterproof boots!

Exhale joy!

On this particular day, by God’s providence, a young teen who is new in his journey of walking by faith not by sight, was granted a glimpse into the way God used his obedience. The twice-gifted boots have a new piece to their story and my precious first-born has a stone of remembrance as to God’s hand of grace and mercy toward him and toward those he is called to serve.

Yes, serving others can be messy, frightening, time consuming, and even scarring.

Thankfully, answering God’s call and sacrificially serving others can also be faith bolstering.

All good in the hands of our Sovereign God.

Seeds of Faith
“…for we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7

Copyright © 2014 Deborah Rice, PeaPodFamilyPress

Can a single-parent stay at home with the kids?

This summer during our state homeschool convention, I was honored to moderate a panel discussion on the topic of single-parent homeschoolers. The panel consisted of two moms who are still-single, one mom who is single by way of divorce, and one mom who is a widow.

Each of us found a variety of ways to support our families while remaining stay-at-home moms. The hard part for any single parent desiring to stay at home is our obvious concern for adequate income.

When I embarked on this single-mom, stay-at-home journey, I had two sons. I prayed and asked God for help. Then, I put the word out to all my friends that I was willing to do anything to earn an income as long as it was legal, moral, ethical, and allowed me to stay home with my children. I prayed often.

My income in the early years was pieced together through short-term jobs like delivering flowers on Mother’s Day (oh yes, the irony), stuffing convention folders for a marketing firm, counting words in essay papers as a qualifying filter for entries in an annual scholarship contest, in-home babysitting, freelance editing, and selling items online. My income was never consistent, but the odds-and-ends jobs provided me with what I needed with little time to spare.

This sort of income plan doesn’t inspire a feeling of stability and confidence, but that is exactly how I learned to lean on God for my every need.

He truly is a Father to the fatherless. (Psalm 68:5)

Eventually, the Lord allowed me to gain a more regular, at-home income by teaching online.

While we all come to the table of singleness in different ways and with different skill sets, we can all call upon the same God for His help.

I met a young, divorced mom many years ago. She told me that she felt called by God to homeschool and was grieved because in her mind this divorce meant she couldn’t be a stay-at-home mom. Her parents insisted that she wasn’t strong enough to stay home, homeschool, and earn a living. She admitted that she lacked the faith to step out and answer the homeschool call. I cannot determine if she lacked the faith or whether or not her desire to homeschool was born from God’s prompting, but I certainly was sad that her parents were so discouraging of her desire. She feared stepping out in faith and concluded that it was impossible for her.

God makes it clear to us that nothing is impossible with Him! (Luke 1:37)

The need to find a way to support our family can be viewed as a burden and we can stiffen our neck from bitterness that we have come to this point OR we can view the need as an opportunity to expand our homeschooling adventure by inviting our older children (and even the younger ones, depending on the job opportunity) to join us in earning an income to meet the family budget.

With that said, here is a short list of income ideas we discussed during the single-parent homeschooler workshop:

Online ventures – online teaching at the community college or university level, online ESL, writing, or math tutoring, e-zine creation and publishing, create and deliver homeschool enrichment courses such as music or art, or buy and sell via eBay.

At-home business ventures – pet sitting, daycare, overnight child care for 3rd shift parents, 4-H animal boarding (depending on your acreage), personal assistant, editing, writing, housecleaning, multi-level marketing sales, and lawn care.

I want to encourage every single parent (mom OR dad) to trust that if the Lord has called you to homeschool, then He will lead you. I have no idea HOW you will manage your income, but I am absolutely certain that if God is in, He will make a way where there seems to be no way.

He is your Provider and the Author and Perfecter of your faith. (Hebrews 12:1-3)

If putting your children in a public school needs to happen, remember that God is there with your children, too.

We need not fear. (Isaiah 41:10)

Without fear, but being sober-minded in our call to teach our children well while we have them under our wing, let us daily prepare them to be launched into a sin-sick world.

We are called to be in the world, but not of it! (Romans 12:2)

Luke 1:37
For with God nothing shall be impossible.

Psalm 68:5
A Father of the fatherless and a Judge for the widows, Is God in His holy habitation.

Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Isaiah 41:10
‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Romans 12:2
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Photo courtesy of lettersfrombarnabas.com

Copyright © 2014 Deborah Rice, PeaPodFamilyPress

Training my children to hear from God

The other day my 11-year-old son purchased two protein drinks from Sprouts with his own money. He drank one and planned to save the other drink for himself for another day.

Later that same day we went to pick up his 14-year-old big brother who was a Recreation Crew team member at Vacation Bible School. He was, to put it mildly, suffering from End of the Week VBS Exhaustion.

Big Brother asked Little Brother if he could have the protein drink instead. Little Brother said yes. He didn’t ask for any reimbursement or any glory. Honestly, I was shocked.

My youngest son’s strong tendency to be territorial over every little thing he owns made this seemingly small blip on the screen of life a truly monumental moment!

I talked with my youngest son later that day about his selfless act of sharing. He told me that he felt the Lord had already prepared him to give it away and he was glad to be able to bless his brother. He did this out of a sacrificial love for his big brother.

I seized that teachable moment to discuss with him the notion of inner promptings. I explained that following false impressions can be disastrous. However, following the promptings that are in keeping with God’s character and His Word lead to blessings. I told him that this is what I believe he did when he shared his extra protein drink with his big brother.

1 John 3:17 says, “But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?”

When our children want to share from their own bounty, as parents we want to verbally encourage them to do the right thing. But if we hold our tongue and wait for the Spirit of God to work on their hearts, they will learn so much more than simply doing what we prompt them to do. They will learn to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

Deuteronomy 11:19 tells us, “You shall teach these things to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up.”

Copyright © 2014 Deborah Rice, PeaPodFamilyPress

What do marshmallows, alcohol, and gifts have in common?

Originally written on June 14, 2007

This evening, I read to my sons the Sermon on the Mount. We stopped on “blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.”

Since neither Josiah (7) nor Peter (4) could tell me what that meant, I thought a word picture would be in order.

Me: Let’s say you and your friend are both racing to be first in line and your friend gets there first. How do you feel?

Josiah: I don’t know.

Peter: I never do dat, Mommy. (What an angel!)

Sweet children.

Okay, I’ll make it about me.

Me: If a friend and I were hurrying to be first and she won, maybe I’d be angry at her for winning and angry at me for not doing better.

Josiah: That’s just wrong, Mom.

Peter: Why’d you do dat, Mommy?

Me: [deep inward sigh . . .] Well, the point is, God knows what is best for us. He made us. He knew that if we tried to be first and didn’t win, we’d be angry and bitter and our hearts would be sick from it. And if we did win, our hearts would be sick with pride. That’s why He tells us not to want to be first and not seek to be great. He tells us the rewards we will get for not seeking to be great will come later. We can wait for inheriting the earth in His time.

Neither boy seemed to get it. So I thought I’d try another word picture.

(Note to self: Next time, stop while I’m behind!)

Me: Let’s say that I tell you that you can have either two marshmallows right now . . . OR . . . a whole bag of them at Christmas and you can eat from that bag whenever you want without asking for my permission. Which would you choose: the two marshmallows right now or the whole bag much later?

Josiah: Are you serious or is this just a for-example story?

Me: It doesn’t matter. Which would you choose?

Josiah: It does matter.

Me: Okay, it is a just-for-example story.

Josiah: Okay then, I’ll choose the bag of marshmallows at Christmas.

Me: But what if I offered you 2 right now for real?

Josiah: No. I’d wait still.

Peter: I’d wait politely, Mom. (That’s my competitive angel, trying to one-up his brother in the midst of a discussion on meekness.)

Me: Okay. Well, do you see where I’m going with this?

Josiah: Not really. No.

Peter: Nope.

Me: The point is that some people today choose to do whatever they want. They don’t think about what God is preparing in Heaven for those who choose Jesus and walk in His ways. They don’t listen when He tells us what will be ours in the future. Instead they choose to do whatever makes them happy in the moment. They steal, tell lies, get drunk on alcohol and drive and kill someone, they do whatever they want because they don’t care about the future.

Peter: [Eyes wide with anticipation] If they drinked alcohol, then do we get their marshmallows?

Me: [Thinking just one more word picture will clear it all up for them] Well, remember your VBS teacher telling you, Peter, that Jesus is our Gift and that some people don’t even want to open the beautiful Gift and enjoy what He offers? They want to have what they already know, rather than taking the step to open the beautiful Gift. Remember how she compared it to a ticket and she said that Jesus is our ticket into Heaven?

Peter: Uh huh.

Side bar: Are you tracking with me? I’ve just offered my poor sons four different analogies to explain “blessed are the meek” (1. trying to be first in line, 2. marshmallows, 3. Jesus is the gift, and 4. Jesus is the ticket).  Even I was confused at this point!

Me: Well, do you understand that God gives us this Gift and we have to decide if we want to accept the Gift?

Peter: Yes.

Me: So what’s inside the present, Peter?

At this point, his eyes light up and I can see that he gets it.

Me, again: So what’s inside the present, Peter?

Peter, smiling from ear to ear: Alcohol, Mommy.

Me: [silently gasping and screaming in my head, but outwardly patient]  No, sweetie, that’s not what is inside.

Peter: Marshmallows?

Me: Nooo, not that either. The idea of a packaged gift is a way of explaining that Jesus is our real Gift from God and that some people never ever decide to receive the free gift of Jesus as their Savior.  Just like when we went to ride the train a few weeks ago and the conductor asked for our tickets. Remember? [They nod their heads.] The conductor even checked to make sure we hadn’t tried to fake the tickets. He saw we had the real tickets so he let us get on board the train.

Josiah: So is there an express train to Hell then?

Clearly I’ve lost control of this Before-Bedtime Chat. There’s no chance for any redeeming value now.

My sweet baby son thinks alcohol comes in a package, that we get to eat others’ marshmallows if they drink alcohol, and my oldest son thinks there is an actual train to hell.

I can see it now, Peter is going to tell his Sunday School teacher that mommy said alcohol is a gift for some people. How do I graciously quit this conversation without leaving them with erroneous information dancing about in their wee minds?

Then, a small glimmer of redeeming value comes from my oldest.

After I clumsily shared that everyone has a choice to make whether or not to receive God’s gift to us in Jesus our Messiah…

Josiah: Wouldn’t it be great if everyone in the world opened the gift and received Jesus before He comes back, Mom? No one would go to hell and our churches would be busting open from all the people!

My evangelically gifted son brought it back to the familiar for himself — others coming to a saving knowledge of Jesus as their Messiah.

I sat for a bit and daydreamed with them of what it would be like if everyone in the whole world chose Jesus as their Savior.

It was a nice way to end the debacle . . . dreaming of The Harvest!

They are asleep now. So here I am, recording the conversation for posterity and praying as I write that my tangled analogies will be sorted out for them by the Spirit of our Living God.

Mind you, if one of my children says to you “Mommy says that . . . [insert bizzar-o statement here] . . .” pleeeze give me the benefit of the doubt. Maybe God will tap you to help them make sense of how marshmallows and the meek inheriting the earth actually relate.

Okay, they don’t relate at all. I simply, totally blew it!

Just now I had a thought: I could model meekness for them and they would get a great picture of what it means.

Why didn’t I think of that first?

Because I was too busy trying to be an educator of knowledge to my children rather than a shepherd by example for my children.

What do marshmallows, alcohol, and gifts have in common?  Nothing.

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” Matthew 5:5

Copyright © 2007, 2010 Deborah Rice, PeaPodFamilyPress