Confession: I am a recovering Perfectionist Mommy. I started out as just a plain ol’ Perfectionist. Then, God blessed me with children.
Being a Perfectionist Mommy meant that when my first son was a baby, then a toddler, then a preschooler, and then a kindergartener with a 2-year-old brother, I did all (A-L-L) the household work while they slept. I cleaned up the playroom, did the dishes, folded the laundry and put it away, mopped the floors, and… oh yes, since I’m single, I also earned the family income ALL while the wee little darlings slept (and occasionally while they watched cartoons).
Why? Because, I told myself, I’m a loving mom. I want a neat and orderly home for my children. Yah, right: “For my children.” **cough, cough**
In reality, I did all this (and more) because I knew I could power through the work and have it all done properly while the little angels weren’t underfoot. (This is a classic control freak move by this Perfectionist Mommy.)
Aside from the fact that I was in complete denial that I was a Perfectionist Mommy, I was also… (wait for it)… EXHAUSTINGLY WRONG.
In due time, I came to realize an even more exhausting truth: if I do all the chores while my kids are sleeping (or doing school work or playing with friends), the message I am reinforcing in my own mind and the message I am sending to my children is that no one else can do the job. This kept me from delegating duties and ensured that I was overworked and underappreciated.
The sad, unspoken truth is more important – no one else will ever do as good of a job, or better, as I can do unless I train them.
That truth led me to commence shedding the perfectionist persona in favor of training my children. Training is a deliberate act to ensure ultimate proficiency in a particular skill. In our home, training includes four phases: tutor, test, tweak, and transfer.
CONSIDER THE NOW I KNOW MY ABCs SONG
The Lord used a simple toddler tune as I was singing with my toddler one day to prompt me to start training my children young. After all, we sing this song to and with our children long before they know the meaning of the song. (TUTOR) Then we listen to them sing the song by themselves. (TEST) Periodically, we sing with them again as they stumble over certain segments. (TWEAK) Ultimately, the child sings the song from beginning to end successfully and we feel good, moving on to other songs and other areas of early education. (TRANSFER)
Why do we teach our little ones this song before they can read and write? Because we know it lays a foundation on which to build when they are cognitively ready for higher levels of learning.
This example displays beautifully the pattern of Tutor, Test, Tweak, and Train.
FREQUENT MISTAKES
Over time, I came to realize that delegating selected chores should begin as soon as my child is able to walk. As he acquires new abilities such as following multi-step instructions, chore assignments can be increased to reflect his growing abilities.
One common mistake I, as a recovering Perfectionist Momma, made early on is that I expected to train my child once (maybe twice) and that he would do it exactly as trained. (Shaking my head at myself as I type this.) Unfortunately, I was passing on to my son the perfectionist tendencies and expectations.
Girls helping with the yard work.
Boys dethatching the back yard.
I learned that perfection during the training phase is NOT the goal.
(I think I just heard some of you gasp! That’s right, fellow perfectionist friends — perfection is NOT the goal!)
You see, I learned that the true goal when our children are young is to instill in them an appreciation for being needed and useful in the family, as well as to help them develop an appetite for a job well done, as they work diligently to serve their family and to serve others as unto the Lord.
Distributing treats at a local nursing home.
Setting these foundational goals is best accomplished by keeping the Main Thing of Training the main thing, which is grace and love, not perfection.
Another mistake I made was to skip the testing and tweaking phases. Skipping these two phases is a set-up for failure and discouragement.
Peter taking care of the chickens for our friends.
JT and babies (3 months old)
LET THE TRAINING BEGIN!
Let’s look at just one chore out of many** that includes all four phases of training.
A baby takes his first step. Oh what joy! We applaud his accomplishment and take pictures of his newly emerging ability. Once the excitement has settled down and the new toddler is capable of walking unassisted, let the training begin!
As soon as my baby becomes a toddler, I have her carry her own soiled diaper to the garbage. At this stage, I am laying the foundation that her help is needed in our family and she has a job to do.
I give her the wrapped-up diaper and hold her hand as we walk together to the garbage. I open the garbage and tell her to throw away the diaper. (TUTOR) After several occasions of this routine, I walk behind her to see if she knows where to go. Then, after I’m sure she knows what to do with it, I stop opening the garbage and let her do that part herself. There comes a time to further test her by giving her the diaper in her room and watching to see if she will execute the whole chore without my help. (TEST)
REFUSING TO WORK
Recently, one of my toddlers refused to carry her diaper to the garbage. (Yes, at 1 year old, this can appear cute, but we all know it won’t be cute at 7 years old if that attitude is allowed to flourish.)
Addressing a refusal to work is much easier now than when the child is older. Upon refusal, the Training Truck has to be backed-up a bit in order to reinforce the entire process. When my toddler refuses, I put the diaper between her hands and gently hold her hands in place. I affirm the process verbally (“Good job! We are going to throw the diaper away!”) and then walk with her, still holding her hands in place if I sense she wants to drop it. I open the garbage and help her throw it away. I verbally affirm her actions and give her a hug. (TWEAK)
Once she is doing this consistently and effectively with every diaper change, she becomes proficient at her chore and the duty is fully hers. (TRANSFER)
I still check up on my child’s proficiency to ensure there is follow-through from time to time, but the more this happens at early ages and stages, a sound foundation is being laid for each child’s role in the family.
I regret that, as a new mommy with firmly planted perfectionist tendencies, I bought into the notion that my young children couldn’t do the work “as good as I can” at such young ages.
When I finally did begin to require work from them it was a difficult hurdle because they weren’t proficient (obviously) and they felt defeated by their inaccuracy… so did I. Not only that, but the learning curve was much longer due to their discouragement which resulted in more frustration for all of us. I had to back up the Training Truck on myself and learn to give them room for approximations of accuracy during the tutor, test, and tweak stages.
The good news is that I have since learned from my mistakes. My older children are gaining new skills with greater ease these days. It is beautiful to see their proficiencies grow!
ANOTHER HARD LESSON LEARNED
Once my oldest child was successfully trained, I transferred that jurisdiction to him. (A thankful nod to the Duggars of 19 and Counting for this useful term.)
What a blessing when the cleanliness of my kitchen was fully transferred to my oldest child. Whenever we host a dinner for friends, I can count on him to get the kitchen prepped for our guests. I don’t even have to be involved. Truth be told, he really does it better than I do it! With 5 younger children to focus on, this is a great blessing!
Of course, after all that work to train my oldest child, I found myself lapsing into complacency. I relied heavily on my oldest for doing what he does so well and forgot that I had to get busy training the next-oldest child in that same jurisdiction.
TRAIN THE YOUNGEST-CAPABLE CHILD
In the wake of glorious success, I had forgotten that the younger I start my children with chores, the shorter the training period. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy a beautiful kitchen for much longer if I wanted to be sure that each of my children gained the same skills.
I realized that I had to begin the process of training my next youngest-capable child, as well as transition my oldest-capable child to other, more complicated tasks. This would prevent me from simply piling every new duty upon my oldest.
Today, as soon as the younger ones are capable, the older ones move up to more complex duties and the younger children take over where they are able. Since working out the kinks in our routines, I find this to be a great system!
ROTATE and CELEBRATE!
It works best for my family to assign jurisdictions for a year at a time. This gives not only my children the time to be fully trained, it also allows them to appreciate their autonomy in this area. This also gives me time to tutor, test, and tweak the training of my little ones.
When the year is complete (assuming proficiency has been achieved and the duty successfully transferred), it is time to rotate that jurisdiction to the youngest-capable child.
In our family, we make a celebration of changing jurisdictions and mark the occasion by having a special Jurisdiction Rotation Breakfast! We make a holiday-quality breakfast, use special dishes, and drink sparkling cider from special glasses.
Special Jurisdiction Rotation Breakfast
Eggs, Pancakes, and Sausage face — designed by my creative son
We have experienced many benefits by using this method. One of the best blessings is that everyone in our family is more respectful of the demands of their former jurisdictions. Also, there tends to be more encouragement from older sibs for the younger ones who are starting out with a new duty.
GRACE AND LOVE
So if you ever come to my home and see something out of order, you can be sure that the youngest capable child is in training. You can also be sure that this recovering Perfectionist Momma is practicing the fine of art of keeping the Main Thing the main thing… which is grace and love.
Seeds of Faith
” . . . rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a bondservant or is free . . .”
Ephesians 6:7-8“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”
Colossians 3:23-24
** For more kids’ chores ideas, go to http://kidsactivitiesblog.com/46550/chores-for-kids.
Copyright © 2014 Deborah Rice, PeaPodFamilyPress
peapodfam.wordpress.com 