The other night my sons and I had one of those conversations. You know, the kind where I know what they are getting at, and I want to shepherd them so I try to find a word picture to help them understand, and then we get derailed on the word picture and miss the point of the story??
THAT kind of conversation!
The topic of dating came up because of an episode we heard on Adventures in Odyssey (a radio drama we can listen to on the internet . . . listen to many great episodes here http://www.whitsend.org/radio/). Since the topic was fresh on our minds from the audio drama, I took the opportunity to tell them that, in our family, traditional dating was not an approved activity.
This led me to attempt to explain the difference between dating and courtship. That’s when I learned that even at ages 10 and 7, they apparently have an idea of who they want to marry. This was news to me! After thanking them for sharing with me their thoughts, I told them that I was already praying for each girl who would one day be the wife of God’s choosing for each of them. In the meantime, I explained, until God made this clear to them there isn’t any purpose to dating. (Here comes the word picture.)
I said it is a little like seeing a donut in the bakery, asking for it, taking a bite out of it, and then asking the baker to put it back on the rack. Who wants to buy a donut with a bite out of it?
Can you anticipate how we got derailed?
“Which donut, Mom?”
“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does. I wouldn’t take a bite out of a donut that I don’t like and if I don’t know whether I like it, better to take one bite than eat it all, right?”
“No. You’re missing the point here.”
“What point, MOM?”
“Let’s back up. Forget the donut.”
“Hey! I like donuts. Can we get donuts next time we’re at the store?”
(Silently I scream in my head . . . how DO I get into these tangles?)
So, I talked with them about how sometimes guys and girls “date” to see if they like each other. They do this without really any understanding of the rules (and sometimes the rules aren’t even clearly defined) and worst of all, rarely is there any accountability to the parents. Dating, I explained, then becomes a big guessing game where one or both people can get their feelings hurt. This can even prompt a lack of trust the next time they are asked out on a date.
I explained, “When you feel you are ready to marry (and I defined some of what that readiness will look like), you must go to the girl’s father first and tell him of your desire to get to know his daughter better. And if she doesn’t have a father, you must go to her mother and the pastor of her church. Then, if you receive their permission (and mine), you can court this girl.” (I also loosely defined the rules of courtship)
“In the meantime,” I instructed my sons, “when you feel your mind wander to one particular girl, pray for her. Ask the LORD to protect her and to call her to a close relationship with Him. Then ask the Lord to help you honor Him in how you think about her.”
I don’t know if this was a good way to handle the conversation. It seems these topics come up and I feel woefully unprepared to respond. All I know is that I want to foster open communication with them as they grow.
Seriously. Changing diapers and middle-of-the-night feedings are WAY easier than these talks! May GOD’s wisdom be mine along the way!
Isaiah 54: 13 “And your sons will be taught of the LORD and great will be their peace.”
AMEN!
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